Today I’m bringing you a helpful list of Things To Do To Sabotage Your Diet. For your convenience, I carefully researched each item on this list. You’re welcome!
1. When you’re home alone, bake cookies, make rice krispies or buy some ice cream (preferably chocolate-flavored, please). This way you can eat it all yourself. Yes, you will get sick. But at least there will be no evidence.
2. Spend a cumulative two hours throughout the day thinking about exercising, but never actually do it. Lie down and watch a movie instead!
3. Take several pictures of yourself with your new iPhone. Get depressed about how chubby your cheeks look in those pictures. Go ahead, eat that bag of chips. They’ll make you feel better. It’s the camera’s angle, darling, not you.
4. What? You’re cold? It probably has nothing to do with your slow metabolism. Instead, crank up the heat and make yourself some hot chocolate. Since the cocoa is sugar-free, it’s okay to add those extra marshmallows. In fact, fill the cup 2/3 full of hot cocoa and 1/3 full of mini-marshmallows. It’s the perfect ratio, trust me.
5. Listen, I understand that your arms feel like cashmere-wrapped sausages and that you can feel your chin(s) folding over every time you look down. But you haven’t gained an ounce. It’s just that your dryer runs a little too hot – it shrank your sleeves! And your chin? Just extend your neck a tad more. No one will notice.
Jes Ferris is a slave for you, testing out all the new-fangled dieting trends. Note: None of them actually work if applied for only three days. (Or less.) Find her lack of results at Chirky.com.