The day this picture was taken was the best day of my life, because it brought me my sweet smelling, pink bundle of love. But there is something else about that day that leaves me with a pit in my stomach.
My husband and I had hired a birth doula to help me through my labor. I lost my mom when I was 16, and when I married my husband I moved to Texas far away from all my relatives and friends. My desire for a doula was for all usual reasons, but also because I knew in that pivotal moment of my life – I would be missing an older female to guide me. It was important to me that I have a “mother figure” with me when I got scared, or when the pain became too much for me. But, the doula that we hired to be there, took our money…and never came.
You may wonder if we did our research? We did. We interviewed several different doulas, we took notes, we made sure they were in good standing with DONA the most notable doula association, an agency that oversees doulas and certifies them, we even picked a doula that had been voted the best in our area by readers of local magazine. And we asked questions…lot’s of them. In the end they all seemed great, but I felt most drawn to the older woman, I was looking for a stand in for my own mom after all. The doula was on her way to becoming a midwife, and was a trainer to new doulas in our area. She seemed like a great choice, she seemed motherly. We paid her, and she agreed to keep the two weeks surrounding our due date free.
When I went into labor we called her right away. She advised us to go get something to eat, and to rest up. Productive labor she said, was still far away. My water broke a short while later in the cosmetic aisle in Walgreens … so we knew our baby was on it’s way! We called the doula again, she suggested we continue stay at home as long as we could. But she kept giving us reasons she shouldn’t come to our house, help me with the labor. We were both excited and scared, and went along with what she said. We stayed home despite the fact that I had Meconium in my amniotic fluid. She advised us to not call our doctor, since he would likely say to come to the hospital, but she advised us that wasn’t necessary. But as the evening got later my husband and I both felt uncomfortable following that advice, and went to the hospital anyway. She explained that she didn’t need to meet us there yet, because “we would have so much paper work” to fill out first. And when we called her after I was given a room – she felt it would be better for her to “nap, and then wake up later and have lot’s of coffee.” She said she would call us in a little while, and let us know she was on the way. I was in full labor, and being given Pitocin to increase the strength of my contractions all night. She never called. And she never came. I was in labor through the night, and in the morning it was finally decided I needed a C-section ASAP. My husband called the doula, and told her she had missed my labor.
After getting home from the hospital days later, my husband called the doula to see what happened. She had no explanation for why she never showed up, but did offer him a refund of the money she had taken from us. Months went by…no money. We e-mailed her, and could see she opened our e-mail, but she would not reply. Michael tried, I tried, at first saying perhaps she had misplaced our address, and later asking her why she was not responding. Eventually she e-mailed me, and acted like she didn’t know why we were asking for a refund! It was infuriating. We had a new baby at home and no time for her games. But eventually we saw we had been lied to a second time. She had no intention of following through. So we contacted DONA. I submitted a formal complaint, waited for them to get in touch with her, get her side, and then interview us both on the phone. After months of waiting, I received paper work from DONA letting me know they had found her at fault. And recommending she refund our money, and write us a letter of apology, along with other requirements. She never did. And when I let DONA know she hadn’t followed through on any of those requirements, they told me they were just “suggestions” and they could not make her do them, and that they would not be revoking her “good standing” with DONA! So if another person researches her, just like we did – they will never know her history. It remains hidden, and she can continue to do this.
My husband is a wise man, and he has often suggested that we try to forgive and forget what happened. That she was wrong, but we only poison ourselves by continuing to feel hurt by it. I understand his point of view. But I often wonder if we should continue to pursue the matter for the sake of other expectant parents who may hire this woman, and never know her history. I also wonder if letting her win, will only serve to show her that being a rotten person pays. That it’s ok for her to promise to be there for someone in a pivotal life moment, and take their money…but not respect that agreement enough to follow through. Or at the very least, to apologize if something came up, and refund their money. Not to mention her advice to stay at home when she knew we had Meconium in the amniotic fluid. That could have caused our daughter to have long term health problems had it gotten in her lungs. Which thank God it did not.
Readers, this is the abbreviated story. There are plenty of other details that eat away at me. And I feel like I need to make a decision about this – should I contact small claims court? Write the Attorney general? Or do I just walk away? I’d like to have some closure on the whole thing, but I don’t know if I’ll get it by being the “bigger person” or by standing up for myself.
Below is a second picture, this one is of me after the C-section – holding an angel straight from God. She is the biggest blessing of my life, and nothing can ruin that. But I do wish that when I thought of her birth story I wasn’t left with this unresolved feeling…When do you forgive and forget? Thoughts wise readers?
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Wow. Thats the first thing that comes to mind.
A Doula was never an option for me, I had my DH, and my Momma. And even though there were strong words from DH at the time, we werent married, and I wanted my Momma in the room when my son was born, it was just that simple. Until the choice was taken out of our hands with a planned c-sec with my breech baby boy. So it all worked out.
I agree with Taxan Mama, on both points, contact a local paper or news crew and offer it as a human interest piece, then call Judge Judy! (ok…kidding a little, but I LOVE HER!) You paid for a service that she failed to provide. To me its very cut and dry. And while I have no clue what her fees were, I am funny about money, so I would be at the courthouse for $50 or more. And plus alot of women are not very informed about doulas, so an article would give more women more info, and we all know that knowledge is POWER!
Good luck in whatever you decide.
First of all, my GOSH you look stunning in both of those pictures. I wish I looked that good on ANY given day!
But, I would certainly recoup your losses via small claims court.
As for forgiving and forgetting, no one can tell you when is the right time for that. Only you can know. Me personally, I would not hesitate to get the word out about her. Even though she has two young children, she needs to be responsible for her actions. As long as you give factual information about her and you don’t do name-calling or just rude gossiping, then she will have no legs to stand on. Me personally, I would contact a tv news channel, and tell them to do an investigative human interest story, spurred on by your story. I think they would run with it.
I hope that doesn’t make me sound vengeful. I just think that bad doulas need to be weeded out. It never occurred to me that a doula would do what you described. Now I know that not everyone is honest (ok I already knew that) but not even health care professionals who are supposed to have their patients’ care at heart.
I hope you can heal yourself soon!
I’m so sorry about your bad experience. You were so vulnerable and left hanging in the wind. I can imagine how you carry that around with you.
As a doula, and one who has been part of a grievance committee making an investigation on a case similar to yours, I know that DONA’s hands are mostly tied. I am sure they sanctioned the doula and made their recommendations to her a number of times. These things are not taken lightly.
Did DONA know that she told you to stay home despite meconium staining in your amniotic fluid? That would definitely be a violation of scope of practice, IMO.
If you feel that the only thing you want is to reclaim your money, small claims court would be the way to go. If you and your (non)doula signed a contract, she’s in breach of it and the burden is on her to prove she isn’t.
Perhaps that coupled with a heartfelt letter to her might give her the oppourtunity to learn and improve.
Good luck.
Wow. Your story took my breath away. There is probably one way to make sure that her name gets out there and that is to contact the midwives that are in the area, as generally they are the ones who recommend doulas.
I am so sad for you that your first birth experience was marred by this selfish and inconsiderate woman. Spread the word and then move on, your daughter will always be your greatest blessing and soon the memory of one woman’s failure to live up to her responsibilities will fade.
Blessings
RS
I would let the monetary aspect go. It’s not right, but is it worth your time & energy to pursue? We got jilted $600 by a concrete contractor and it just finally was something we decided to let go of.
BUT…you are doing a big service to pregnant women to share your experience. I agree that here at BurbMom, where folks can contact you and you can share her name, it is better to leave her name unsaid.
I would look around for places to leave reviews of doulas and definitely put her name out there so if someone were to Google her they might find your story. It sounds like the Doula association is more on the side of their doulas than the customers. I would have expected them to take more serious action against a member for the way it all played out.
Was she part of a larger group? Where you could write a review of “a member of this larger, local group of doulas” but not give her name? Then someone could contact you to ask her name.
I can tell you are coming at this with a good heart…you don’t want her children to feel any negative reprocussions from what happened.
Happy Campers- thank so much for your thoughts. I agree with, I guess I’m just not sure what juncture to pursue. Small claims court could get my money back- but wont let other moms know what happened. Attorney general letter might help get Doulas overseen by the government in some way- that might help. After much thought I did not include my doulas name in this article- I understand that she has two young sons, and I would never want them or their friends to read about what she did. It could hurt them, and I don’t want that. I do hope however that anyone that is currently interviewing doulas, might see this blog and write me and ask for a name. In that case I’d be happy to get her name out there.
What she was offering was a business service, even though for you it was based on an emotional need. If, say, the oil change man had stiffed you or the carpet cleaner had taken your money up front but never showed up to clean your carpets, wouldn’t you want the world to know they are not honest or reliable?
This is the same thing, except times TEN! I would be all over the internet sharing my story and getting her name out there.
At this most vunerable time in a woman’s life, a flake for a doula/midwife is not helpful! And the Doula association not doing anything only makes it easier for her to do it again.
It’s not because you’re being snarky or petty. You can forgive and move on. But from a straight-up business standpoint, you SHOULD spread the word of her terrible service.
I am sorry you had this experience…maybe if you are active in making sure others know about your experience they an avoid using this lady’s service in the future…maybe that would soften the pain a little….