Holly throws herself under the alternative-fuel bus

Holly has been doing a lot of thinking. Holly has been doing extensive investigating. Holly finds that the best solution to her problem may be installing one of these:

porta potty

Holly has decided that a porta-potty, johnnie-on-the-spot, porta-john may be her only option. She has decided that this is the location for her new purchase:

porta potty location

Why would Holly who lives in a lovely suburban neighborhood in a house that could (but doesn’t) have a white picket fence with complete indoor plumbing choose to install a porta-potty, johnnie-on-the-spot, porta-john?

plunger needed for low flow toilet

It might have something to do with the plunger that is permanently attached to Holly’s left arm. Holly’s left arm is tired of plunging. Holly has noticed that she is starting to choose outfits in the morning based on whether they match the plunger attached permanently to her left arm.

Holly is wearing green hoping that her green-wearing karma will overcome her low-flow toilet hating soul. Holly’s low-flow toilet hating soul is dark, very dark. Holly’s low-flow toilet hating soul is deep, very deep. Holly’s low-flow toilet hating soul is attached to a body sporting a plunger as a permanent fixture.

Holly’s low-flow toilets seem to have something against the act of flushing.

toilet does not flush

Hey low-flow toilets…why are you so anti-flush?

Holly also wonders what is the point of low-flow toilets if she has to attempt flushing them three kazillion times with intermittent plunging. Ironically Coincidentally, that is the exact same decibel (three kazillion) Holly’s voice hits when she hears, “Mommy! The toilet isn’t working!”

So, until Al Gore dedicates his life to plunging Holly’s low-flow toilets or suitable alternatives in the United States of Low-Flow Toilets (US of LF T) are legal. Holly is planning this drastic action.

Holly will no longer allow people to use the INDOOR toilets. Holly will lead them to the OUTDOOR toilet which never needs plunging despite the level of crap.

porta potty location

Holly can only hope that the proximity to the patio of the new porta-potty, johnny-on-the-spot, porta-john could encourage its use by a certain Holly’s dog…

99 Comments

  1. LOL…I know, I know. I’ve got the same damn problem at my house except we’ve even removed the low-flow device and have decided to blatantly snub our noses at Al Gore in order to save our sanity and STILL not a day goes by without the need for plunging. Seriously, scientists are working on so many important thing, fuel efficient cars, cures for cancer and diabetes, laser hair removal, teeth whitening, genetically altered and superior corn crops, can’t someone work on a water efficient toilet that actually work as intended?
    Let me know how that Johnny on the spot works out for you.

  2. I have the same problem. I thought it was Taylor until my husband peed the other day (no tp) and it got clogged. Are you kidding? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

  3. A Mom Two Boys says:

    Remind me to NOT use the bathroom when I come to your house. Cause I’m coming. Someday.

  4. Burgh Baby's Mom says:

    The Europeans have it right with that two button system. One button for being all Earth-friendly and taking care of Number 1 and Screw the Earth That Crap Has Got to Go for the other stuff (or when you get toilet paper happy). We need choices to maintain our sanity.

    That, by the way, is the precise reason we have not replaced our toilets. They may be old and ugly, but they flush.

  5. I am laughing because A) this post rules and B) I am picturing someone drawing these pictures and I die laughing conjuring that image. LOL!

    Glad I stopped by, will add you to my unimaginably overflowing reader…like your toilet really. Not to say this is crap…you know what I mean, right? 😉

  6. Oh, I will vote for you if you vote for me…I will start the voting now.

    Bloggers Choice Awards that is.

  7. you ALWAYS crack me up!! i love the story lines and the best part is the PICTURES!! you go girl!! love the skinny jeans, even if it is only on stick figure Holly!! lol

    I so feel you on the toilet flushing problem!! ANNOYING!!!

    good luck with getting it figured out! If there is a solution to it.

    have a good day!!

    xoxo’s jenn

    still roflmao!!!

  8. Ah yes, the low-flow toilet… I believe that I , on average, flush that bad boy 3.46 times per use. Which translates into nearly 3.5 gallons of water used per visit. Now, if I had a normal 3 gallon per flush toilet and only had to flush ir once… That’s a savings of .5 gallons per use.

    So what is the point of the low-flush toilet again?

  9. the planet of janet says:

    when we moved into our old (rental) house 10 years ago, we had three toilets.

    the first night in the house, ALL THREE TOILETS clogged and would not UNclog.

    four kids. no toilets. can you say “oh crap”?

    low-flush is not my friend.

  10. I am SO with ya on th is one! The plunger has taken up permanent residence beside the girl’s toilet because a)they can’t seem to remember to hold the handle down until it’s ALL down and b) they may need a reteach on the basics of potty training like how much toilet paper it takes to wipe one’s own bum!

  11. I’m laughing so hard I need to go pee . . . but I can’t, because I have a lousy low flow toilet too!!! UGH! This is how they really save water–they DON’T flush!

    “Holly’s low-flow toilet hating soul is dark, very dark.” Oh, may you find light in the porta potty . . .

  12. I totally agree. What is the point of one of these things if you have to flush it three kazillion times.

  13. Donna Rosenbloom says:

    OMG! Same here in Virginia! I have a plunger in every bathroom of my home! When I went to Walmart and purchased 7 plungers (yes, I have 7 bathrooms), the cashier looked at me like I was crazy.

    Every day I have to plunge a toilet. It’s ridiculous!

  14. What a great story you’ve told here and so funny! It may surprise you to know how many people can relate to bad plumbing stories and I am definitely one of them!

    Join me for my Wordless Wednesday post if you can:

    Just Some Thoughts

  15. We have no Low Flow toilet. As I look around at my fancy lightbulbs, super energy saving appliances, etc. I’ve felt supreme levels of guilt at my lack of hybrid vehicles, or fancy toilets…

    thank you for relieving your frustration AND alleviating my guilt! You are a rockstar in my book, (a book printed entirely on recycled paper!) and I would used your Stinky porta potty with pride, completely snubbing your indoor potty on the way out!

  16. Jennifer H says:

    I store a plunger next to both toilets, and not a day goes by without hearing “Mommy, the toilet’s plugged!”

    I am so over it. I am all for the two-button system, but only if the #2 button has a jet engine operating it.

    The save-the-Earth people got this one wrong…at 4 flushes per use, no wonder the world is running out of water.

  17. Holly I need one too. Although my toilet does flush I have one bathroom and four family members. Do you think I can install a porta potty in my apartment building lobby. NO one may notice.

  18. fullheartandhands mama says:

    Yuck! I’m all for green initiatives, but I’m quite hypocritcal about it. You know, like if it inconveniences me, at all.

    By the way, thanks for your sweet comment on my post yesterday.

  19. On a limb with Claudia says:

    My biostatistician hubby (yes, I have a formula in crayon) worked underground utility for 2 years.

    He snakes the toilets and tub a couple times a year. He even rotorooted the house last year.

    IMHO, Stedman needs to cowboy up a bit here. It’s not hard – he deals with much grosser stuff – he can handle it. Put on the scrubs, get the toilet snake and snake those toilets.

    (Can you tell I’ve been therapist to a lot of doctors??)

    COWBOY UP STEDMAN!

    Just tell him that a biostatistician does it…. count to 5….

  20. Kalynne Pudner says:

    At least you are choosing your outfits to match the plunger and not the splashes that hit your clothes when you use the plunger, right?

    Our toilets are jet-powered and decidedly not Low Flow (the builder who constructed the house for his own family of six daughters is not a Gore supporter, evidently). But the two youngest girls’ penchant for using half a roll of tp — every time — and never flushing — no times — is too much for even jet power.

  21. InTheFastLane says:

    I always blame the kids. It always seems like it is their bathroom, or a bathroom that they just walked out of. Maybe it isn’t their fault, but, while I am plunging, yet again, I blame them anyway.

  22. I’d hate to see my child in your unflushable bathroom. I do think girls are worse at this. We have threatened her life if she doesn’t stop using 1/2 a roll of TP in one visit!! We have normal potties but that much TP will even stop up the insustrial style potties.
    Love the drawings!

  23. This post totally deserves a Stinking Bugger Award. I’d love to see Holly’s dog operating the portaloo (as we call them).

    Toot toot!

  24. Hmmm. If that link doesn’t work, pick one up from my sidebar.

    x

  25. Ranch Mommy says:

    Cute pics!! I love the stick figure drawings in your posts!! Fun to read…

    Sorry about the toilet issues though….Our toilet’s normally clogged because either my four year old or two year old has stuffed something in it. Maybe I should make them us the porta-potty until they can leave the real deal alone……..Hmmmm

  26. you have boys — do they even need a porta-potty????

  27. Again, another fabulous post done in marker!

    Too cute! Hope the toliet situation gets worked out! 🙂

  28. mommeeof9 says:

    Our plumber bought up several toilets befor they went to the very low flow ones that are required now in new construction. His boss had a fit- he added them to the bosses account at the plumbing supply place. His boss was really happy they had them on hand, as the new ones do not flush properly.

    We have an old house that modern plumbing was added to in the late 1950s? The pipes do not slope steeply enough to drain properly with the modern low flow toilets. The plumbers advised us to keep the old toilets, even if we remodel the bathrooms and replace the other fixtures. The plumber did say the flushing mechanism in the low flow ones can be switched out with one that uses more water to flush.

  29. exskindiver says:

    you and your plunger attachment makes me laugh.
    sorry.

  30. Queen Mommy says:

    Bwah! Holly is funny.

  31. The plunger accessory does not do Holly’s shoes justice.

    Holly and Angie’s toilets should date. Angie’s toilet also has an aversion to effectively flushing. Angie is also surrounded by boys.

    KEEP BELIEVING

  32. EatPlayLove says:

    Oh you poor thing! I think you deserve some real skinny jeans… I hate plunging the toilet.

  33. Nap Warden says:

    Remind me not to use your potty;)

  34. LMAO that you drew these. AWESOME!

  35. LOL at these drawing 🙂 And the skinny jeans for the stick figure is perfect! Sorry to hear about the flushing issues. How it all clears up soon 🙁

  36. Ron Davison says:

    Holly,
    I’m beginning to think that a blog doesn’t really do your postings justice. I’m going to start petitioning for the flip book version of June Cleaver Nirvana (which I suppose is often confused with Kurt Cobain’s Nirvana on google searches).
    Very funny. Thanks.

  37. imaginary binky says:

    All hail the old toilets of yesteryear! The toilets of my crappy but quaint, 106 year old home that flush and flush and flush! May the flushing gods smile upon you, dear lady.

  38. I will share this with my husband, who wants us to switch to low-flow. Thank you, and good luck.

  39. Jenn @ Juggling Life says:

    Just like there’s a black sheep in every family, there’s a toilet like that in every house!

  40. David Rochester says:

    Wow. Just yesterday I was feeling a little guilty at having regular toilets, but this post has cured me of that. As The Most Squeamish Germophobe in the World, plunging a toilet is a problematic endeavor for me, and involves quite a lot of time spent:

    1) Working up to it

    2) Gagging

    3) Sanitizing the plunger afterward. My toilet plunger is probably one of the cleanest objects in my house.

  41. Okay I DO NOT plunge…period. It’s usually my daughter’s bathroom and it can wait til my hubby gets home, we have three other bathrooms we can use…EEEEEEEEEEEw I hate plunging…yuk, yuk, yuk! Give me blood and guts I can handle most anything BUT NOT stopped up toilets!

    Thanks for the reminder of the great banana pudding by the way! Are you familiar with Abilene?

  42. Domestic Accident says:

    This just don’t tell you this stuff in What to Expect When You’re Ignorant.

  43. So you are now Bitter Plunging Holly… soon to be be Bitter out House Holly.

    I love my water saving faucets, but the low flow toilets are a pita.

  44. Momo Fali says:

    I love your drawings!! And, thanks for the tip! Now I can finally get into my skinny jeans…even if it’s only on paper.

  45. Elizabeth says:

    Poor bitter plunging Holly,
    I’d move the Porta-potty to the BACK of the property. I guess we could always go back to chamber pots…
    You know, environmentalism is good, except when a “law” is passed, then it ends up on proving the Law of Unintended Consequences.
    Having to flush 3-4 times truely defeats the purpose. UGH.
    Pax, EJT

  46. frogpondsrock says:

    Oh dear.. Toilet problems are a real pain in the bum…

  47. So if you’re flushing that often to get the crap down, it really negates the whole point of the low flush toilet, right?

  48. Karen MEG says:

    What a great solution!!!! We’ve got major toilet issues too … ugh.

    Do they make designer plungers yet?

  49. Amanda (Shamelessly Sassy) says:

    I’m lovin’ your stick ladies skinny jeans.

  50. Elaine A. says:

    Sorry about your toilet issues. We have the opposite problem around here. A certain 4-year-old doesn’t care much for flusing. AT. ALL. If you get my drift (what the heck does that mean anyway?).

  51. Good point on the multiple flushes. And…nothing more embarassing to a houseguest than stopping up a toilet.

  52. Sleeping with Ward Cleaver says:

    Wow, Holly, your toilet post really brought in the comments! I especially love your skinny jeans, only on stick figure Holly LOL
    Well, around here, who knows about flushing capacity because who bothers to flush? Certainly not the kids. Makes the dogs happy–more flavor when they start drinking out of the bowl, I guess. Though I can’t abide their breath at this point and if they lick me I scream.

  53. Woman with a Hatchet says:

    Hah!

    I routinely “break” the toilets in my house, so there’s a plunger in every bathroom. That being said, an old milk jug filled with a gallon of water makes everything work better during flushing.

  54. Leeanthro says:

    The environmentalist in me keeps asking my husband if we can get a low flow. But he keeps reminding me that it would not work for him, if you know what I mean!

  55. Oh my word. I think you may be my new favorite. This was easily the most entertaining thing I’ve seen all day!!

  56. I am dying over here…since I am a Holly with plumbing issues right NOW too! However, mine do not involve low flow toilets…..juts a city with crazy, bad sewers and lots of tree roots…NOT pretty. I thin a Port-a-Potty may be my solution as well!

    I LOVE your graphics.
    California Holly

  57. At first I read the opening sentence as “Holly has bee drinking….”, it cracked me up. I recently did a similar style rant about ‘green’ bathrooms.
    I too hate low-flows.
    I think we need a button.

  58. This was hilarious! And how is it possible that this is the first time I am finding you reading you awesome blog???

    You officially have a new reader!

  59. i’m so glad my old old house has a very high flow potty.

  60. We have a house built in the 80s when people were way more concerned about the height of their hair (at least, I was) than the flow of their toilets. Yet still, I find myself plunging. A lot. Instead of a porta potty I’ve requested a small hole be cut into the deck we’re building for the backyard.

    What I’m trying to say is, the grass isn’t always greener.

  61. Just as funny today as it was then 🙂

  62. Lady, you always crack me up. Seriously.

  63. Ah, I missed this back in the day, so GLAD you re-posted.

    The other day we had company over and our friend came out of the bathroom, a shy girl, and said I think Sienna dropped someting in the toilet and it took me a minute to get it and then i was like “oh……………” I had neglected to tell her that this particular toilet only likes number #1’s…
    so i had to go out and buy a plunger on the spot because we’d just moved in. Funny!

    I have never enjoyed a home with fantastic flush.

    🙂

    More Animated Holly!

  64. Just read this again…and let me tell you MY effing low-flow toilet story!

    Imagine…Christmas dinner almost on the table. Hubby grilled awesome, expensive, perfectly-grilled steaks. Mashed potatoes cooked. Corn on cob ready for butter & salt. Children’s dishes all prepared and on the table. Mom starts her plate.

    20year old comes running downstairs because “I went to the bathroom & the toilet won’t stop filling!”

    I haul ass upstairs, and lo-and-behold, he used 1/2 roll of our nice, thick toilet paper and there is about 2 inches of WATER covering the upstairs bathroom floor. I tell son, go get ALL the pool towels out of your bathroom and RUN!

    I take 10 deep breaths and try not to ruin Christmas because I am ankle-deep in shit water.

    As I am frantically mopping up the fecal-infested puddle, I hear Hubby yell “Holy SHIT!”. Apparently, the upstairs bathroom is right above a heating duct, which is right over the effing CHRISTMAS TREE.

    So…our rediculously expensive Frontgate 10-ft fake tree is being showered with shit water from the heater vent directly above. And there are PRESENTS under the tree still wrapped, which happen to be directly under the shit water shower.

    I finish cleaning upstairs. Hubby throws towels under the tree to catch THAT water, then I come down and remove/clean the ornaments now covered in E.Coli and set them aside to dry. I unwrap all the gifts that were poo-watered, and luckily the wrapping paper/boxes took all the water and the gifts were still safe and dry.

    ALL the while, Grammie had sat the three kids down to eat dinner and save Christmas dinner somewhat.

    So….I definitely have an opinion about low flow toilets! The one thing that we HAVE found that works? Make the 20 year old crap in his own bathroom and I buy the cheapest, thinnest toilet paper I can find because it breaks down faster and doesn’t clog. He is not allowed to use the thick, lotion paper we use 🙂

  65. oooh…I love the digitally remastered JC in HD!

    I feel the same way about water saving shower heads. What’s the point if it takes an extra 15 minutes to rinse the shampoo out of your hair?

  66. sorta weird that this just now showed up in my google alerts! How the hell are you? And how’s that plumbing? hehe

  67. The plumber replaced the flush mechanism on our low flow toilet with one that flushes twice with each pushing down of the handle. Just saying it can be done. Of course, he also bought as many of the older toilets as he could before the newer low flow ones were mandated. He has had numerous places where he replaced the commodes in new houses with the older ones until he finally ran out of them. 🙂

  68. Oh wow… after reading HappyCamers’ comment and your story I’ve come to the conclusion that low flow toilets are the devil.

  69. By far the most concise and up to date information I found on this topic. Sure glad that I navigated to your page by accident. I ™ll be subscribing to your feed so that I can get the latest updates. Appreciate all the information here

  70. Hello Admin , i love with ur web blog. LOL Please come to my blog

  71. You definitely put a new spin on a subject thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just great!

  72. buy mini trucks says:

    I find myself coming to your blog more and more often to the point where my visits are almost daily now!

  73. HAAAAA! I just discovered your blog and I’m sitting at the table laughing and reading them to my husband. He particularly likes the one when your 7 year old said he wanted a dirty girl. LOL! I share your city, but have yet to see a beaver. Keep it up, girl. Oh, my plumber did a work-around for the crummy toilets.

  74. Holly, as a behavior analyst, I’d like to offer this plan: Place the portapotty near the dogpile. Let the dog adjust to it being there. Then closer. Wait. Closer. Wait. Then move the portapotty directly over the dogpile so the dog has no option but to use the portapotty! Voila — the whole family uses the same toileting system. (At present, I’m trying to train my dog to pee in the shower so I don’t have to take him outside. I’ll let you know how that works out.)

  75. Our new (to us) house was built in 1977. We moved in Dec 8. I’ve had the plumber out twice already. Basically, he told me the we have the worst toilets made in the history of….ever. They use oceans of water yet don’t work up enough, um, suction?, to actually flush much of anything. This means that if anyone here does anything of any *significance* in the bathroom, he (or she) must flush twice. Only it takes about two weeks for the tank to refill. Good times.

    I may actually be missing the LFTs that I complained so bitterly about in the former abode. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.

  76. Also….really spammers? Bulk t-shirts? Don’t try to flush those suckers, Holly.

  77. I promise you we have the same toilets.

  78. I am so glad to have some reinforcement from an expert on my plan. It will be a glorious day when all works according to my plan :).

  79. Thanks sooo much. That story about the dirty girl is one of my favorites. I love how parenting has become so entertaining. thanks for stopping by!

  80. Holls. Call a plumber. We had some fancy high-tech, high power thing installed on all our toilets. I haven’t plunged in years…..

  81. Ugh. Toilet not flushing is very…*shudder* Can’t blame you on the porta-potty. Just make sure it matches your house…because THAT is all it needs to be an attractive and welcome element in your yard.

  82. This is so funny i love the explaining of your drawings! haha good luck with the toilet siuation.

  83. Thanks…I need all the luck I can get.

  84. Perfect! It could be a make-over opportunity. Like on one of those HGTV shows: Porta-potty Transformation.

  85. I would fly your plumber out…

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  87. I just found this, and I you have me laughing and nodding my head in agreement. I have a science to the low flow toilet problem but won’t go into detail as it may be too delicate a subject for your fine readers. 😉 The plunger only comes out on occasion. I pinned this.

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