So we’ve all been there and if you haven’t been there just yet, you’ll soon know what I’m talking about when you’re in that spot and the panic button gets….pushed.
…the baby won’t stop crying. Holy freaking crap. You love this little human being more than life itself but would probably stand on your head right about now to get them to stop the tears.
So when you feel like you’ve tried it all, make sure you eliminated all of these “go to’s” below.
If you’re a seasoned parent, you will read these and laugh, shaking your head knowing, “Yep, been there, done that, and after 3 and 1/2 hours of excruciating crying, one of these actually worked.”
1) Give them a bag of toilet paper rolls, a box of tissues, an empty water bottle or a remote control (the remote control is always a sure winner) or something that makes absolutely no sense that they would have fun playing with. If they can’t choke on it, if it can’t poison them, by all means, just give it to them. GIVE IT TO THEM. You wouldn’t find it in the baby section at the store? Who cares. Hand it over anyways.
2) Think of the most embarassing voices and noises you could make. Get your “fun character” game voice on, take them outside, and in that high pitched baby voice, point to everything (things that aren’t even really there) but well, could be there. Like, “Oh my goodness! Look at the bird. Where’s the birdy? Do you see the bunny? The squirrel….look at the squirrel, Honey!” (As you pray to sweet Jesus that the damn squirrel appears as you see them every other hour of the day you walk out the front door. Who cares that the neighbors wonder why in the world you’re talking like that or pointing to invisible things, you’re desperate. And wait…do you hear that? Did the baby stop crying? Time for a possibly Mommy victory dance?
3) Make an absolute fool of yourself. Hurt yourself. Babies love that. Stub your toe. Run your body full on into a door. Hit your head off the cupboard. Have another child of yours pretend kick your head. They will love it. Only as you’re pretending, more than likely you’re going to actually hurt yourself or who knows, you may get lucky and not have to act and trip over one of the toys that lay scattered through the house; the hundreds of dollars you spent on all these flipping things that the baby doesn’t even want to touch. Hurting yourself, it works. Classic go to.
4) Find the weirdest object for them to chew on. If it doesn’t make sense for them to want to gnaw on it, more than likely that’ll be the thing to do the trick. My baby prefers old, dirty shoes to chew on but hey, that’s just how she rolls. One of the questions I’d love to ask God when I get to Heaven is why can’t babies be born with their teeth already through, but yes, we become creative trying to get baby teething soother whisperers added to our personal resume. So once again, if that little sweet pea can’t choke on it or ingest something harmful, good Lawdy, just let them have at it.
5) Play peek a boo. Doesn’t matter where you’re at. Doesn’t matter what you throw over your head. Just do it. And after you feel that you’re losing wind and can’t breathe after putting the flipping jacket, garbage bag, whatever the hell it may be, over your head one more blessed time, do it another 16 times. And side note: the more ridiculous you look, the better job you’re doing. Just…don’t….stop.
6) Think of the most annoying baby show’s beginning song and play it for them – singing it and bouncing them during the entire duration; then repeat about 22 times in a row. By that time they may have forgotten why they were upset and crying in the first place. If all else fails, push rewind and just tell yourself, Suck It Up, ButterCup. The baby isn’t crying right now! What would you rather hear? Peppa the Pig’s intro or the baby screaming. Choose carefully.
7) Put a bottle or boob in their mouth. That’s my family’s answer for everything. The baby’s crying, Honey. Mommy the baby wants to nurse. I think…I think the baby needs to eat. Oh yeah, what was I thinking? I just fed her about 8 minutes ago so naturally….yes, naturally she would need to eat…again.
8) Let your baby play in goop. Something that will make them a complete and utter mess, something that you’ll have to spend a large amount of time cleaning your hard wood floors or scrubbing out of your carpets. Who knows, their precious, little outfit they have on may be ruined and stained by but God, they’re happy, they’re smiling. The tears have disappeared. Let them put it wherever the heck they want. I’ll pay good money for the floor cleaners later. Totally worth every penny.
9) Bang things together …creating the most piercing noise as possible. It will be both soothing and music to their ears. Give them a pot and any dishware that they can’t hurt themselves with, along with spoons, and ladles and and stirrers to pound obnoxiously on your bowls. If they can’t do it themselves, yep…you guessed it. You’re up to bat. You’ve become the rock star drummer in the Bret Michaels Band and your audience awaits. Get to it, Mama!
10) Let them pulls clothes out of a drawer. You will soon realize that all the time you spend folding laundry, it doesn’t matter. Four children later, I no longer fold clothes. It’s by the sheer grace of God that it makes it out of the dryer and into the right drawer. So hold them next to a drawer, the dish towels, under wear, socks, just let them pull everything and anything out. Just side note: any fun clothing you may want to steer clear of that drawer. Last time the baby pulled from my underwear drawer, my toddler wore a pair of my thongs on his head, running about our house, asking why Mommy’s underwear were all cut and pieces were missing from them. Yeah. All modesty right out the window.
Pure genius, right? How did it take me 4 babies later to figure some of these out? All I know is that I will go down in flames…flames, making the biggest fool of myself whenever, wherever the incessant cries go off.
It’s exhausting, absolutely debilitating some days, but hey…these tiny, perfect noise makers are so, so worth it. There will come a day, I will think back, laugh and have tears coming down my cheeks at the same time, wishing with everything I have tojust…go…back.