on a roll ¦again

I am re-posting this rant because it is one of my favorites.   It originally aired on 4/3/08.

For your math convenience:

Print this handy, dandy toilet paper conversion table and take it with you shopping next time.

You might also want to take your calculator.

You might also want to take a baseball bat to hit your head repeatedly.

Or you could just use your shoe.

Can I just say…..WHY CHARMIN?

Why is it necessary to produce 8 products that are actually just one product in variable sizes?

It is like they invented their own world over there at The Charmin and things just got out of control.

First they invented the regular roll. I may have not done proper research for this ground breaking piece of crap investigational blogging, but I don’t find an accepted world wide standard for toilet paper roll size (metric or otherwise).

So, they just named it.

Then they thought…gee, I think it would be great to have something a twice the size,

and then two and a half times the size

and then FOUR TIMES THE SIZE.

Stop the madness Charmin.

Next thing we know we will be carting home big wheels of toilet paper the size of truck tires that are 64 times the size of the fictional regular roll.

Then they went on to price each roll differently.

Then they went on to package each roll differently.

Then they market their product to mommies that are suffering from sleep deprivation and can’t do advanced math in their heads standing in the paper product aisle at Target supervising three children who are independently making their own selections of plates, plastic spoons and cartoon character decorated paper towels while screaming loudly and calling for a game of hide and go seek.

OH! And once you do choose your mega package (not to be confused with the mega roll which is 4 times the size of a regular roll)…it WILL NOT FIT IN THE CART. Just carry it under your arm while wrangling the three kids and pushing the cart (do I need to draw a picture?).

Conspiracy?

0 Comments

  1. WeaselMomma says:

    We all know how hard potty training can be, but we shouldn’t have to master algebra.

  2. we have been wrangling math problems around here the past few days. i think your chart might have come in handy with a few of them. i’m bookmarking this page to use with tonight’s homework!

  3. oh, I so feel this pain .. but – I will go one step further – the mathematical conversions to figure out how to put the tp hardware on the wall so that one of those extra-jumbo mongo rolls will actually spin!!! AND not leave tp fragments on my newly painted walls
    AAARRRGGGHHH

  4. jill jill bo bill says:

    Mr Whipple had it in for us from the beginning. All he wanted to do was squeeze us.

  5. the mama bird diaries says:

    I was so pissed off when I bought a big pack of Charmin online at drugstore.com and the rolls were so thick that they didn’t even fit on our toilet paper holder. What the hell?

  6. Ugh, the amount of TP I am now schlepping around due to potty training sickens me.

  7. Hey, I was wanting a picture.

    And I buy my toilet tissue at Costco in the takes-care-of-the-whole-neighborhood size.

  8. I am going to second mama bird diaries here. The Giant and Mega rolls DON’T FIT OUR toilet paper holder. Why even offer them if they don’t fit the standard size equipment offered in most homes?!

    But I must admit that we are Charmin loyalists. Other brands just don’t work for me!

  9. I think the Charmin people are very good at double talking and making you think you are getting more at a better price when you are not.
    Just “Don’t squeeze the Charmin”, Mr. Whipple doesn’t like it!

  10. Domestic Goddess (In Training) says:

    The whole mega roll is to make you have to buy the toilet paper roll extender bit because it won’t fit on a traditional toilet paper roll. Don’t get me started on that nonsense!

  11. Manic Mommy says:

    I’d like to out Bounty as part of this conspiracy. I buy the ‘my-God-your-kids-really-spill-that-much-size. The one that says 12 BIG rolls = 18 ‘regular’ rolls. Again, who decided? And just tell me how many freakin’ rolls of paper towels you’re trying to sell me!

  12. Jenni Jiggety says:

    I just keep buying the Target brand,

  13. Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge says:

    Dude, anyone who buys Charmin is totally throwing their money in the toilet.

    Ba-dum-bum (rim shot)

    Charmin is the WORST value for the money. Check out the square feet per price. Scott is the best value. I buy the Scott 100, although some people say it’s scratchy I would disagree. But the extra soft is a good value too.

    If you want to see my post on this, go to my blog and search “charmin”. You’ll find it!

  14. MommyTime says:

    But here’s the real conspiracy: you won’t use fewer squares of the Super Double Roll puffy kind. So even though it technically equals two rolls of regular, you will still go through it at the rate of one roll of regular. Which means you are paying DOUBLE for the same number of wipes of your buns. And THEN, they stop selling “regular” rolls and convince every other damn toilet paper maker to do the same, and now suddenly a pack of toilet paper costs $12 and lasts exactly as long as the $6 packs did.

    Creeps.

  15. mommeeof9 says:

    We buy the huge packs of costco brand tp. It is much softer that the cheap stuff, but much less expensive than the Charmin. They do make a u-shaped replacement spindle so you can use the larger rolls on an old paper holder. For the larger sized rolls of paper towels, we have a tabletop holder from Lowes that the larger rolls fit in. Once we use a 1/4 of the rolls, I transfer them to the old wooden holder hanging from the bottom of a kitchen cabinet.

  16. AMomTwoBoys says:

    As someone who is RIDICULOUSLY brand specific, I can totally relate.

    1) Sour Cream: MUST be Daisy (and none of that low-fat/no fat crap.
    2) Milk: 1 Gallon whole, 1 Gallon skim, 1/2 Gallon 1%
    3) Bread: Orowheat Country Buttermilk & San Luis Obispo Sourdough
    4) Butter: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter WITH Olive Oil

    I could go on and on, but I think you get the point.

  17. Angie's Spot says:

    Holly,

    Again, you have me laughing so hard that tears are streaming down my face. I can so relate to this post as I have often wondered the same thing about the Charmin madness. Bravo lady, bravo.

  18. Oh my! This made me laugh! I thought I was the only one who got confuzzled over the toilet paper algebraic formula!

    And, I’m the one carrying the mega package out to the parking lot. We have 7 girls, so we go through a LOT of toilet paper. That’s all I’m sayin’.

  19. Remember when toilet paper came in colors?

  20. There are times when between job, kids, home and Evil Cats, that I stand in a grocery store, leaning desperately against a cart, and honestly cannot remember what items in the aisles are considered EDIBLE, let alone what of those items my home may actually be in need of. And of course, this will be the time I stumble upon something like the Charmin toilet-paper-integral-calculus-conversion table.

    CHARMIN KNOWS THIS.

    Charmin knows the fragile state moms are in, they know that we wander the aisles, sleep deprived and either 1)dragging three toddlers along hoping that they don’t secretly pile dozens of boxes of Chocolate Frosted Pop-Tarts into the cart while we’re not watching, or 2)trapped in an internal nightmare world where we’re envisioning our three teen-agers driving while texting and convincing people to buy them peppermint schnapps from the local liquor store.

    This, quite frankly, is predatory marketing.

    I believe legislation is in order.

  21. omiLord..this is too cool. I always get the biggest pack and I have a standalone TP holder. The issue of toilet paper is a whole ‘nother blog topic ~ y’know…after the dry wipe with the TP t there’s the wet ‘cleansing cloths’. Jeepurs!

  22. Since when has buying toilet paper, or toilet roll holders become a science???

    My first visit to the USA was an eye opener…I felt like I needed some sort of training before I could do grocerie shopping, and it became an expensive, waistline increasing experiment, I just had to try “EVERYTHING”!

    You guys have so many choices…here in good old South Africa, we are limited…you can one ply or two ply toilet paper, the cheap house brand or the expensive name brand…done!

    There are many days I long for a USA shopping trip…and not to mention a seven 11 coffee!!!

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