Today we are taking a
trip.
Not just
any trip.
A road trip.
Not just any road trip, but the
obligatory road trip of my childhood.
My family was
obsessed with the road trip.
It was a well-oiled machine of efficiency.
There were
basic rules to the family road trip.
These rules are set in stone. Any deviation is
strictly forbidden:
I need to emphasize that you
need to re-read rules #1 and #3. If you are unprepared, it could be disastrous.
Now way back in the 1970s my family had 3 options for our travel vehicle:
Legend:
Vehicle A: Family car. Purple Citroen. Great looking car. Cool inside. Drives approximately 167 miles between break-downs. Looks great sitting on the side of the highway.
Vehicle B: 1969 Pontiac. Car given to my family by relative. Large car. Lots of power. Can sit approximately 12 people comfortably in the bench backseat. Reliable. Gas tank capacity rivals a tanker truck.
Vehicle C: Late 60s “conversion van” that can be borrowed from my grandparents. Has a full kitchen and bathroom. Advertised to sleep 5. Actually can sleep one comfortably (and not that comfortably). Down-side is that family has to drive to West coast to pick up vehicle.
Let’s pick Vehicle B!
Now let’s choose a route:
Please make note that
all car routes require around the clock driving. Please note that all arrival times must be between
2 and 5 am because relatives that we were visiting
loved when we, a family of four rolled into their driveway in the middle of the night.
Let’s drive to California!
We aren’t pansy travelers.
We are weathered.
Experienced.
Insane.
So what are we going to eat along the trip?
Howard Johnsons?
Big Boy?
Wall Drug?
Puuuuleeeeease people! We have already
forgotten rules #1 and #3. Eating out requires
a stop of the vehicle. Eating out
costs money. And for your information,
money doesn’t grow on trees.
So mom is going to
pack a cooler:
We are ready to roll!
We have filled our rectangular suitcases full of necessities and dad has placed them with
precision in the trunk with skill that rivals an experienced brick layer.
The trunk is full. So full that a piece of notebook paper placed on the top of the suitcases would cause the trunk to pop open. A few extra things are placed on the floor of the back seat because
children don’t need legroom.
In my family suitcases were
NEVER tied to the roof. My dad would have seen this as a sign to the world of
packing failure. That would be
unacceptable.
Let’s show a little road trip pride!
Even though the backseat measures about 72 feet in width. This is necessary:
Within an hour this will happen:
Tears were the ONLY drink available because of rules #1 and #3. Unlucky was the child who realized pee urgency within the first few hours post fill-up.
Dehydration was the goal.
Who needs drinks when the sandwiches are of the floating variety?
And then this would happen:
To keep the kid’s minds off their full bladders
game mania ensued:
I spy.
The license plate game.
Punch bug.
We were road warriors!
No amount of crying, screaming, bladder explosion or road trip songs would make my dad turn around and head back for home.
Nerves of steel.
We didn’t need a portable DVD player!
We could occupy ourselves the old fashioned way with whining and fighting…
But every once in awhile there was a quiet moment that I wish I could recreate with my own kids:
OK, not exactly
this quiet moment since in the 1970s it was perfectly acceptable for children to lay in the back window of a moving vehicle.
But something
close to this. A moment of complete
road trip bliss when the kids are
quietly listening to dad making up stories about road signs.
A moment filled with family road trip magic.
My favorite story was the ‘Legend of Falling Rock’…
I remember no seatbelts, lying on the floorboard of the passenger seat of my dad’s HUGE Oldsmobile tanker car. Brown, of course.
I remember using the air vents and pretending to “wash my hair” in the “water” that was coming out.
And Neil Diamond 8-track played the whole way. I love Neil.
I think Hubbs is continuing the fine tradition of roadtripping with our kids. We drove back from Tennessee this summer (14 hours) and he drove the WHOLE way back because he didn’t want to stop somewhere along the way…he just wanted to get home. Got home at 3am. At least we stopped on the way there 🙂
OK WAIT. WHERE is the story about the Legend Of The Falling Rock?
Leave me hanging why don’t you…
Hahaha! So funny. I remember road trips exactly like this. That invisible line of death!
Did you also make up puppet shows for the cars driving behind you? No? Anyone? No?
OMG that falling rock sign, I remember that when I was young, I always thought they were liars. And I miss the days you could travel in the back window without the glares of judgey parents.
I remember my brother lying on the back “ledge.” Haven’t thought of that in years, though…
And I know the legend of Falling Rock.
We drove from TX to CA every year or so when I was a kid because that is where my mom’s family is. We did the cooler thing every time. We always stopped to eat in Kingman, AZ (on route 66!) at the park with the train. My dad was a packing ninja. 3 kids in the back seat of various models of Pontiacs. My dad would tell us we were missing the scenery as we read or slept our way through the dessert. We kept reminding him it looked the same as last year. I loved it and can’t wait to do it with my kids.
OMG I went on those trips. Throw in a couple bouts of raod sickness and you were me. Or I was you, only fatter.
Oh my word – you are a genius.
I think your dad might be related to my dad, but I have one question. Were your parents also chain smokers who would never ever roll the windows down because by god they had a/c in the car and they were going to enjoy it? And they accused you of lying about the smoke smell bothering you because they had a pine tree scented air freshener dangling from the rear view mirror that got rid of the smoke smell?
I Datsun 240z, 4 girls. On our backs. Heads together at the top. 2 parents smoking. I couldn’t make this up.