Growing As A Mom

This past weekend was my daughter’s 3rd birthday. She was a baby. Then she became a toddler…and this weekend I regretfully gave that title up. I acknowledged she is a little girl. It was bittersweet. I was missing my baby so badly – and yet my heart was so full of love for this little girl that seemed to have suddenly appeared before me. I have one child. Many pregnancies. many names. Many hopes. But one little embryo took. She stayed with us for over 9 months. She caused my water to break in a Walgreen’s… in the hair dye aisle. Yeah, seriously. She had me labor for a day before all my crunchy dreams of her being delivered to folk music vanished in a C-section. A C-section that brought me a tiny wrinkled baby – that I asked my husband if he was sure she was actually ours? I said she looked like a little Russian baby:) Many weeks of grey postpartum, where I failed to return anyone’s calls went by. I would cry at night as the sun went down, so scared this baby would cry all night – and I would prove again to be a failure as a mom. I made calls to my childhood phone number indulging my own fantasy that my mother who had died many years before- might this time pick up the phone. She would surely tell me why this baby was crying. She would tell me what I needed to know. And each time I heard the recording that this line was disconnected – I would look at this teeny face and wonder…how can I be your only hope? I am so sad for you baby…I’m not a good mom. 3 years later. I stand watching my independent warrior princess dance to music no one else can hear during her party. She tumbles when she wants…and sometimes just does makeshift ballet. She is real. She is every hope I ever had come to be. She is every fantasy I ever had of what my life might hold. She pulls my heart into a smile so big it hurts. And while I will always treasure her tiny infant movements, and mewling soft sounds – I realize that each day I get to see her live is such a gift. She renews my faith in a generation of children that I don’t know yet. But she is one of them…and thus I trust that they have wisdom and love this planet has not seen yet. She is a tiny body that lives to give love to animals and babies, and everyone she meets. She is the definition of innocence. Of pure love. I don’t know what God holds for me. But from past experience I doubt it holds another pregnancy. And rather than sadness…I realize now I have only joy. I was given a beautiful baby girl. Who delights me, and swells my heart with love every single day. Really. Every one. What more can I ask for? I was given a pink bundle of love and kisses, and snuggles- and infinite possibility. That is so much more than I knew existed. So much more than I deserved. So much beauty- it makes me weak. And I just celebrate her. I celebrate that gift- that loan. And I say thank you God. For more… more everything than I knew I could be given. I know I am a good mom now. I know because I love her. And I realize now we are both on an imperfect journey. Two souls united on this road. I know I will never not give her anything I can. Any love, any ounce of life in my body. And I know now- I’m not her only hope. She has God. And when I fail he will carry her through. And if I give her that knowledge…I’ve given her enough:)

  Amen.